Reconciliation

I am struggling this morning to understand.  In my quest for transparency, fueled by my belief that if ever I am able to clean out all the shit I was told about myself, there lies within me a core intelligence that exists as pure love.  If ever I am able to mine my way through all the bullshit of domestication, at the bottom of the shaft is a vein of pure gold.  Today I feel like I have barely scratched the surface.

Relationships are the most demanding teachers and I must be one hell-raising student because they whip me with regularity.  This morning I was whipped again, reminding me that I have barely scratched the surface of finding that place within that exists as pure love.

Each day I do all I am able to do to carve out a life that brings me joy.  As best I can, I listen to Spirit and follow her instructions.  A vision came to me and I am following that North Star and it is taking me on yet another journey of discovery about myself.  It has consumed my time and some days it feels as if all I do is tread water and put out fires.  Day after day brings new challenges and I remind myself that I am on a steep rise in the perpetual learning curve of my life with this “project” I have taken on.

New faces are showing up on my bus.  Some I am thrilled to see.  I like that strong manager that talks to the vendors with confidence.  Others I am working to understand.  Through it all, I also have the external relationships I am maintaining, some better than others.

Guilt arises as I think about those I am neglecting.  When was the last time I called my family whose support has made this retreat possible?  I am blessed with so many good friends from all the times and stages of my life…I have to trust that they know I care even when my calls and emails are few and far apart.

Therefore, once again, I look at the clock and realize my commitment to this vision has created a time frame I am working within.  If I do not stop writing now and move, I will be compromising another person’s day.

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