I am struggling this morning to understand. In my quest for transparency, fueled by my belief that if ever I am able to clean out all the shit I was told about myself, there lies within me a core intelligence that exists as pure love. If ever I am able to mine my way through all the bullshit of domestication, at the bottom of the shaft is a vein of pure gold. Today I feel like I have barely scratched the surface.
Relationships are the most demanding teachers and I must be one hell-raising student because they whip me with regularity. This morning I was whipped again, reminding me that I have barely scratched the surface of finding that place within that exists as pure love.
Each day I do all I am able to do to carve out a life that brings me joy. As best I can, I listen to Spirit and follow her instructions. A vision came to me and I am following that North Star and it is taking me on yet another journey of discovery about myself. It has consumed my time and some days it feels as if all I do is tread water and put out fires. Day after day brings new challenges and I remind myself that I am on a steep rise in the perpetual learning curve of my life with this “project” I have taken on.
New faces are showing up on my bus. Some I am thrilled to see. I like that strong manager that talks to the vendors with confidence. Others I am working to understand. Through it all, I also have the external relationships I am maintaining, some better than others.
Guilt arises as I think about those I am neglecting. When was the last time I called my family whose support has made this retreat possible? I am blessed with so many good friends from all the times and stages of my life…I have to trust that they know I care even when my calls and emails are few and far apart.
Therefore, once again, I look at the clock and realize my commitment to this vision has created a time frame I am working within. If I do not stop writing now and move, I will be compromising another person’s day.