I’m Diving In

I'm Diving In

                        I’m Diving In

It is April Fool’s Day.  There is a tradition of being a trickster on this day, playing a practical joke on someone. The earliest recorded association between April 1 and foolishness can be found in Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales written in 1392. My ex-husband’s family was into this holiday and used to enjoy seeing who could pull it off first.  Jim’s mother would often call and have some outlandish story she would spin looking for a believer.  Jim would catch me half asleep, looking out the window, he would declare some sort of animal in the yard that I should come and see and I would do it before I would realize I was being “April Fooled.”

In the original calendar for Mountain Valley Retreat today was going to be the Grand Opening.  Delays have pushed that date into the future; perhaps May Day will be the day…or June 1.  It’s difficult to predict now and I have let go of the need to do so.  I am allowing an unfolding of this project without the stress of deadlines.

My dreams last night were on the set of the HBO series Deadwood, which I have been watching for the first time lately.  I was born in Deadwood and the series purports historical accuracy so I am interested.  The dialogue has a lot of “fuck, fucker, fucking” and every man is baptized a “cocksucker”  but the characters are pretty interesting and the women are smart and strong in their struggle against the sexism, abuse and  chauvinism they endure.   I don’t remember enough details of my dream to explore it, but I remember I have been in this dreamscape in the past.

G told me yesterday that for the past two weeks I have demonstrated a kind of cynicism that isn’t my typical character.  I am considering that claim for my own good.  I think cynicism is a form of fear.  Doubt has surfaced and the distrust is expressed as scorn or skepticism.  Am I a skeptic or a believer?  The antonym for cynicism is naiveté.  I am remembering a piece I wrote a couple of years ago about choosing innocence, which I believe is our natural state of being.  Have I lost my quest for innocence?  Have the situations I have confronted in the past few months with the County and the Contractors taken me off the track of trust and dropped me into the crater of cynicism?  Has the sudden and shocking news that my cat is probably close to death and the equally unexpected call from the hospital from a dear friend who is racked with pain from tumors in her spine stolen the piece of my mind that contained my peace of mind?

The dreams I had a couple of nights ago have distilled down for me into one image.  It is the image from the dream I called “Flying” where I am falling from a great height into the deep, still waters of the lake and going down, down, down until my feet touch the bottom.  That image and the feeling it invokes brings me into a profound feeling of peace.

In my meditation this morning I kept returning to that image and I invoked the feeling again and again.  The message in my mind was, “Dive deep, Chery.”  “Fall into that place within that is still and quiet and flows with the feelings of calm and peace.”  The words continued, “You know this place.  You have visited it many times and the way in is known to you.  You can walk the pathway again.”

I am suddenly sobbing.  These words are bringing up an intense sorrow and a feeling of deep grief.  What is this?  What loss am I crying for? Am I grieving the loss of my compassion?  Am I grieving the loss of my deeper knowing?  Am I grieving the loss of my joy?

What is my next step?  How do I go about reclaiming my innocence?  All I know to do it return to my core practices.  I must go to the mat and the meditation seat.  I must set a strong intention and mark it with ritual and sacred ceremony.  I must write my prayers and ignite them, sending them to the heavens seeking the support and guidance of Spirit.  This is my lifeline.

Most of all I must have the courage to open my closed heart and feel.  I must let the feelings come from the depths of my soul’s lake and surface to be felt so that they can move through me, express themselves and leave.  I believe it is these suppressed and unexpressed emotions that are blocking my compassion and allowing my skeptic into the driver’s seat of my bus.

Knowledge is power, understanding is potential, action is key.  I am recommitting myself today, April Fool’s Day, to my quest for Innocence.  Peace of mind, trust, unlimited potential, joy, endless possibilities and a compassionate heart await me if I do my work. Am I up to the task?  I pray that I am.

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