Put to the Test

Death Valley

            Death Valley

Lemur is dying. Not later, sooner. I was not prepared for this. Is anyone ever prepared to hear that someone they love is dying?
We took Lemur to the vet yesterday. The plan was to remove a tooth that was causing soreness in his mouth that was preventing normal eating.
He has two lesions. One on his jaw and another under his tongue. The biopsy report won’t come back until Monday or Tuesday. I don’t need to see a biopsy report. I understand what is happening. He has an aggressive sarcoma in his mouth that prevents him from eating. He is in pain. He is dying.
They sent him home with us last night and we held him. He didn’t sleep well, nor did we. I gave him pain meds as scheduled but he moved around a lot. He is trying to get away from his pain but he cannot escape. It is with him where ever he goes. He came to me in the night and curled up with me as he has done for the years I have had him. I have been his “mother.” He expects me to care for him. I should be able to make this better. I can’t. He purred as I held him into my chest. It only lasted about ten minutes and he jumped up and ran off leaving me in tears…again.
I don’t understand the vet’s reluctance to tell me the truth. I can’t believe she doesn’t know what this is and what his prognosis is. The pictures of his lesions are textbook. There is no “let’s wait and see” here! Why are we holding this precious soul for four days giving him pain meds and watching him starve to be told there is nothing to be done next week? We know he isn’t a candidate for surgery, chemotherapy or radiation. His weakened kidneys could not tolerate it. They questioned his tolerance for this round of anesthesia but did the oral surgery anyway. I feel betrayed by the vet. Maybe I am taking my anger at the situation out on her.
I am not a believer in prolonging suffering when there is no chance for recovery to an enjoyable quality of life. If I had known on Tuesday what I know now I would have chosen an injection that would have put Lemur to sleep before we all went through this prolonged agony.
The grief I feel will not be tempered by holding my dying cat longer.
I just recalled something I wrote five days ago. “Whenever I feel betrayed, I am taking the actions of another personally. They are just acting out their nature. It isn’t about me. When I choose to trust and I recognize that the actions of others are not about me, I cannot feel betrayed.”
My beliefs are being put to the test.

  • Lemur (sourcereflections.wordpress.com)
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