Viruses are sneaky little devils…I thought I was over mine, but I’m not. Slept 12 hours last night! Seriously! That is a lot of sleep. Still have the sore throat, dry cough, tight chest and lethargy this morning and here I am writing my page. This may be the full extent of accomplishment today…and that is okay…or is it?
Perhaps the toughest part of feeling sick is my limited ability to do anything. The least effort is met with such resistance. My body is saying STOP but my mind says GO! When I stop, my mind goes into guilt-mode and starts preaching to me about sloth. Idleness, the devil’s playground, that is twice the word “devil” has shown up today…hummm.
Let’s not mince words…LAZY. That is what my mind thinks of this foolishness…nothing but laziness. My mom taught me that illness is “all in your head.” No wonder I punish myself so severely when I am ill. So go ahead, Mind of Mine. Give me your best shot!
“Just get over it!” “What did you do to create this abominable situation?” “Why are you so fragile?” “How did you let your immune system get so weak as to allow this virus to run over you like this?” “What have you been eating?” “You haven’t been exercising.” “You get what you deserve.” “You are pathetic.”
Okay…enough of that. Is there any part of me with any sympathy for the devil? Where is my Angel now? I could use a little comfort, couldn’t I?
Mom’s technique for getting her kids over illness was to ignore it (them.) Zero tolerance for weakness in my family. “Be tough.” “Stand strong.” “Never let them see you cry.” “If you show your vulnerability, you will be taken advantage of.” This is the same mom that had her breast removed as an “outpatient procedure,” went home the same day and out dancing the following week-end. Same mom that at 88 is out walking every day in spite of a stroke that took her down two years ago. She is a “tough old bird,” as she would say about someone like herself.
Am I a “tough old bird?” Do I want to be? Is there a balance between strong and weak that is optimum? Optimum for what? Optimum for happiness?
When am I most happy? When I feel strong and healthy and I’m “doing” something in collaboration with another person and/or creative. I have a wide range of “doings” that create a feeling of happiness. Can I just “be” and also feel contentment and joy? I don’t even know what “just being” means! How does one stop doing? The act of life is a doing in itself. The most I can hope to achieve is to slow down and increase the level of acceptance and enjoyment I have with whatever I am doing in the moment…even if that is simply sitting and staring out the window.
What next? Could it possibly be nothing?