Wide Lens

Words

Words (Photo credit: sirwiseowl)

Pages 38 and 39 were more difficult for me to write that the previous 37 pages. This morning I am considering this process of writing early each morning and wondering how it is like other habits I have formed. If I were in the future looking back at my writings what patterns might I be able to see? When I speak of difficulty it means that the words don’t fly onto the page effortlessly. I am still writing whatever comes to me but it feels more like walking through the mud than skipping down the path. So that look back from the future thought…is wondering whether this is a phase I am going through which will move into some other phase and another and so on.
Macro and micro…lens wide or lens narrow. What I am asking myself is to not only put a wide lens on my writings but to see into the future. I want the macro view of my mind. The micro view sees only one word at a time. It is a “trip” (dating myself here) to watch one word appear at a time and not see them in the context of the sentence. If I expand my lens a bit, I see groups of words that make a thought. Wider still and I have a sentence, then a paragraph and then the whole article as one thought. But what if I look at all the pages as a chapter? What are the threads and patterns that tie it all together? What would a word scholar see that would indicate that these pages came from the same brain?
I like to play with my camera in this lens narrow/lens wide way. I focus on a subject and take the shot from distance to close up in varying degrees. When I have the ultimate close-up the context is lost and it’s hard to tell what the subject is. It often becomes a study in color or texture or contrasting light and dark.
In my attempt to live life more consciously I have learned to play with my own lens on life. I see that a narrow lens on any experience gives me a completely different viewpoint than a wide one. When I bump up against an issue that stops my forward movement, the fact that I have bumped up against it tells me my lens is narrow and I need to step back and widen my lens in order to see fully the context of the issue. If I am bumped up to a fence, fence is all I can see. If I step back I can see the end of the fence or a gate or some other way around or through it.
So I have bumped up against this free-writing exploration and all I can see are the words on the page. Can I step back and see the larger context of what is happening here? If my lens widens enough, can I see that this habit I am forming is not about what I write, it’s about the act of writing? Did I forget the basic rule of free-writing…what I write need not make sense? Am I getting caught up in the belief that each day I must write something that entertains me? Does the fact that I know there are people reading this create some level of anxiety within that has awakened the Ego? I am attempting to leave the Ego in bed! That’s why I do this in the middle of the fucking night! I try to slip out and leave that sucker sleeping so I can write purely from the sub-conscious part of my brain! But here he is, looking over my shoulder, ready to say those infamous words, “Chery, you have failed again!”
No I haven’t. I am still writing. As long as I put words to paper each morning I have not failed. If all I write is “what next” a thousand times over I have not failed in my promise to myself to write a page each day of whatever words come out of my mind. You don’t have to read this. I just have to write it. Maybe at the end of page 365 I will know something new about myself. Maybe I will look at this book of daily pages with a wide lens and I will smile just for having done it.

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One thought on “Wide Lens

  1. Pingback: i try so hard. « Poeter

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