Estranged

Today is my youngest child’s 27th birthday.  I am considering what that feels like.  It makes me feel kind of old!  I know that age is relative and I don’t really feel old, but you don’t get a 27-year-old baby without having some years under your belt!

What I’m really feeling is a kind of alienation…the feeling of being separated from others.  I’m tracing this feeling back to see where it begins…I see myself crying into the fur of my childhood dog, Curly.  I am about eight.

Events happened to me as a child that I felt I could not tell anyone about.  Even at that young age, I knew I would not be fully understood.  The pain of saying what was in my heart and having it rejected outweighed the pain of isolation so I stayed quiet.

I am saying what is in my heart every morning, now.  I say it to anyone who cares to listen.  I am not invested in being understood.  As the years have passed I was given the gift of not taking personally what other’s think about me.  Saying my truth feels important, but it’s not about who understands me. It is about clarifying my feelings for myself.

I realize that even those who say, “Right On, Sister,” claiming to agree with my thoughts and ideas, don’t know all of me.  I cannot be known.  No matter how transparent I become, there will always be a shadow hiding some part of me from others.  I am surprised to see those words!  I thought full disclosure was possible!  I thought I could become like cellophane and everyone would see right through me.

“Just because it’s there doesn’t mean we see it.  Just because we see it doesn’t mean we understand. “

Oh, I get it.  I don’t see everything that is visible to me.  I only see what supports my beliefs.

Even if I am able to shine the brightest light into the deepest corners of my shadow, there is no guarantee that what is there will be understood by anyone outside of myself.  Maybe not even me!

I remain unseen.  I remain estranged.

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4 thoughts on “Estranged

  1. 🙂 My baby turned 35 two months ago, I have no idea how I got to have children so old…or where those years went really.
    A sad and scared child whose constant companion for 13 years was a dog, he knew all my secrets and I talked and sobbed to him his whole life, but he was always still there right beside me.
    As an adult I was diagnosed with a mental disorder, I had come to know my shadow and his / her many voices. I refused medication and treatment but researched different things and worked on myself. Now, I am doing great, at peace within, am centered in myself. But still, I know, there are parts of me that remain unknown. I don’t know that they are negative things… I feel I still have to grow into who I really am in some ways. Does that make sense?

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    • Thanks for reading…interested to hear what it was that you related to exactly…if you feel like sharing.

      Namaste’ Chery http://www.owensholistictherapy.com I invite you to visit my blog: Source Reflections”Where is YOUR Wild Feminine?”

      If you forward this email, kindly delete the forwarding addresses, including mine. This is a courtesy to all who wish their email addresses to remain private and to protect us from viruses and spammers. Please use BCC when forwarding. Be a blessing to others.

      > Date: Tue, 19 Feb 2013 23:14:13 +0000 > To: chery@live.com >

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