Harmony vs. Dissonance…Judgment vs. Discernment…Honesty vs. Callousness…
Here I am without a clear prompt. Yesterday was a strange day. A personal event brought to the surface of my mind an exploration of honesty. I’m looking for clarity here.
I have this mission to become transparent. One might think that you don’t get clearer than transparency…but through my efforts I am now sitting in the mud of confusion.
To become transparent I must shine light into the shadow of my being. I must look without turning away at all of myself, even the parts I am least in love with. I must acknowledge my feelings and speak truthfully without reservation. To master this, I know that the agreements of don Ruiz* are imperative.
Don Ruiz taught me to be impeccable with my word. I think the confusion here has to do with having integrity while using the power of my words only in the direction of truth and love. I see that love holds truth, but does truth always hold love? Perhaps I am unable to see my own truth. Perhaps my ego steps in and turns the light off and I can’t see truth.
As I continue to strive to not take anything personally, I still falter in my closest relationships and forget that what anyone thinks of me is none of my business. I understand that what others say and do is a projection of their own reality. I realize this is a world where most people are still caught in the projection trap. Can I recognize my own projections? Even when I am immune to the opinions and actions of others, they are not immune to mine. My words can cause suffering in others. Should I say them anyway?
I have found the courage to ask for what I need. I have learned how to slide into neutral and release my expectations and judgments. When I am able to do this, all my assumptions fall away and clarity is the result. If I have one guideline for living in relationship it is this, “Ask for what you need and don’t take anything personally.” Each day is an opportunity to continue to practice.
I am having an “Aha Moment!” Yesterday instead of asking for what I needed, I stated my feelings. My feelings were based on a judgment! My judgment was taken personally (we are human’s here) until (as my friend stated) he “considered the source.”
What was the source of my judgment? FEAR.
* Miguel Angel Ruiz, M.D. The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom; Amber-Allen Publishing, 1997.