Out of Chaos

I used to pride myself in my ability to maintain order. My house was neat with no clutter. My mantra was “everything has a home” and it was my job to find a home for each thing I owned and make sure if it wasn’t being used it was “home.”
This kind of orderliness has its advantages. I can always find what I need. I can relax and admire the beauty of the order I have created in the few moments it occasionally exists. While I was living alone it was easy. When I’m sharing a home it’s more challenging…in fact it’s a job that takes a lot of time. Getting your space mates to buy into your compulsion to have everything in strict order is impossible if they don’t already own that particular behavior pattern.
The worst aspect of this lifestyle is I can never relax at home. There is always something that “needs to be done.” If I sit and look around there is going to be at least one thing that is not in its home. The feeling that is created in me is a state of unease, and the sense that I need to “fix” it.
My home is in a state of chaos at the moment. I have been traveling a lot for the past few months and I am also building a retreat center here at my home. The combination of not being here to try to keep order and the influx of people and materials is creating a lot of disorder. I cannot keep up with it.
Something in me is shifting. I am moving into a level of acceptance for this chaos. I can’t say I am enjoying it but it isn’t making me crazy. I can look at a room that is in need of cleaning and organization and see it as a work in progress…and that is okay with me. It doesn’t all have to be done now!
I would never have allowed guests to come and stay with me in this state of chaos in the past but two friends just left and another has arrived and I am not worried about what they are thinking about my big mess. I don’t care. It doesn’t seem important anymore.
I have relaxed and slowed down. I am allowing life to sort itself out without feeling as if I am the one who has to do the sorting. In the midst of the disorder and chaos, I am keeping calm and stillness inside myself. I am scheduling my priorities rather than working my way down a to-do list. I am rejecting old patterns and the ways I was domesticated. I think chaos is being myself.
I am reminded of a quote by Francis Ford Coppola, the renowned film director. He said, “Anything you build on a large-scale or with intense passion invites chaos.” I am building something on a large-scale with intense passion so there we have it! I just brought a kind of order to my disorder by hearing that.
My favorite shrink, Carl Jung, said, “In all chaos there is a cosmos, in all disorder a secret order.” I’m going with that!


1 thought on “Out of Chaos

  1. Pingback: I don’t have time!!!! « Finding Order in Chaos

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