The Joy Thief

I woke up today and wrote page 11. It was about my process of working an issue with the Medicine Wheel, a Native American tool. I finished the page, named it Men’s Lodge, and promptly deleted it as I attempted to save it to my blog site. It is gone to the ethers never to be retrieved.
Page 11 is now being re-written and the prompt that has come forward is “Joy Thief.”
I have a sense of the way things “should” be in any given situation. My mind is always projecting its idea of what is “right.” My ideas of how things “should” be rarely coincide with what actually is and I have a compulsion to make the “necessary corrections” to bring reality into alignment with my personal vision.
I find it an interesting “coincidence” that I deleted my writing this morning which was about things not being as they “should” be. I “shouldn’t” have lost my work and my joy at what I had written was dashed to bits, not by what I had done, but by my reaction to what I had done. I felt stupid and angry and looked for someone to blame. In my anger state I got in the shower to attempt to reset myself. When I realized the irony of the event I started laughing at myself and the charge lifted.
I am aware that my frequent experience of seeing the world as askew in some way is a “joy thief.” In those moments when I am thinking, “This is wrong! What can I do to fix it?” my joy is snatched away.
The judgmental mind develops as a part of our survival mechanism as children. A level of discernment as to what is safe and unsafe is necessary to make healthy choices in the world. In me, that mechanism went on steroids when I was eight and my heretofore safe world was made unsafe by a child molester.
Understanding why I am a judgmental person who is very attached to her sense of right and wrong doesn’t change the fact that I am robbed of joy every time I think I “know better.”
So the questions I am working are
• “What if I stopped seeing through the judgmental eyes of right and wrong and saw the world through a neutral lens?”
• “How would my experience shift if I could appreciate the complexities, paradoxes and inconsistencies of nature?”
• “What if I realized that the senseless absurdities and illogical foolishness that abounds is not mutually exclusive with perfection?
• “What would it feel like if I expanded my perceptual lens wide enough to recognize that the Universe is a state of perfection?”
This blog has been written in a number of sits throughout the day when I could grab a few minutes and it feels very different from the “instant downloads” that come in the wee hours of the morning…not a disclaimer, just an observation.


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