Why So Dark?

English: Lord Mahavir, The Torch-bearer of Ahimsa

English: Lord Mahavir, The Torch-bearer of Ahimsa (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Now that I have thirty-seven pages of free writing explorations under my belt, I am noticing I tend to go to the “dark side” when I fall out of bed at 6 a.m.  I’m not always serious.  In fact, I feel like I view life quite light-heartedly.  I think of myself as funny and I am capable of silly child-like behavior.  So why so serious in these morning pages?  I don’t know and since this is free-writing I don’t have to explore that question.  I can move on to any subject that pops into my mind so I’ll just sit here and wait.

Ahimsa, Sanskrit for non-violence.  That is the word that popped into my mind. I first heard of ahimsa as a yoga student.  In my yoga teacher training I read Patanjali’s classic instruction on the path of Raja Yoga.  In this Hindu code of conduct, Ahimsa is one of the five Yamas .  The Yamas are number one on the eight limbed path to “enlightenment.”

As a yoga teacher this is the most important concept I teach my students.  I don’t teach ahimsa toward others, which seems obvious, but rather to oneself.  I want to promote the understanding  that pushing oneself toward a goal is a violent act.  I choose instead to encourage those in my classes to allow their bodies to move in a way that is directed by their deep inner guidance, not by the outside influences that capture their minds and bodies and try to take them somewhere they think they “should” go.

As I explored the path of Yoga, understanding the Yamas was important to me.  The other four are non-stealing, chastity, non-attachment and truthfulness.  Just for clarity, chastity is not about not having sex; it’s about non-attachment to all things sensual.  The last two, non-attachment and truthfulness are deeply interconnected and seem responsible for the experience I am living these days.

I wrote about the event I had on Sunday, January 27.  I am now realizing I was releasing my attachment to certain beliefs and ideas that were blocking me from a truth about myself.  This realization feels like I’ve peeled the banana and I’m looking at the fruit.  Is this an essential truth without the cover?  What does this mean and why am I writing about it?

I was hoping for a bit of humor this morning.

Neither is this an easy write nor is it flowing.  I feel like I am pulling words from my brain as opposed to them spilling out onto the page.  I think it’s because I had an attachment to not going to the “dark side” this morning rather than allowing myself to write whatever showed up.  See?  Trying doesn’t work so well, does it?  Allowing is where it’s at.

I am allowing the words to spill now…and I am aware that the more pages I write, the more challenging it becomes to have no expectation about what I will write.  Maybe I shouldn’t read my pages…whoa.

This is the first day I have wanted to see the end of the page appear at the bottom of my screen.  I could just end this here.

But I’m curious to see what else might come out if I just keep writing…Ann says write the words, “What next?” until something else shows up.  What next?

Next step?  Next thought?  Next idea?  Next move?  Next inspiration?  Next breath? Next nothing?

Thank Goddess!  I see the end of the page!

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